Incremental improvement. Thursday is kick day.

My spirit wants to soar and flow, it only does that if I work with my body, nice in the spaces between the sinew. It only finds those places with practice.

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Esquiva lateral + meia leua de Frenche

Esquiva de quada + bencao

Esquiva de quada + Martelo

Queixada + Martelo

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The combinations...  Especially these 2 move combinations... Gotta learn some combinations 'like the back of your hand'. Less to do in the Roda. Also, learning to flow from one position to the next.

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Saw Mr. Olympia the other day. Fiancee wonders why I watch movies like this.

We'll, Old wisdom but so much the more powerful in the repetition. Schwarzenegger: 'have to have the guts to push yourself. That is where all the improvement comes from. The guts to push past your limit. I've thrown up many times while working out.. '

Where the magic happens, zone of pain, literally.

I believe in meritocracy too,  but gotta update the dimensions of which one measures - how well can you fuck things up,  fly far and fast from where you started,  hearth and hone and safety and sobriety and delusion.

'the average person ' stays pretty small. Keep head and heart connected. For many reasons my head shot into space while my body I tried to bury. Of course it's all still alive, waiting to be small again, manGable, doing its own thing in the meanwhile.

Yowza my excitement after reading your old writing. Will I ever find them words again. Adulthood and how boring it is,  and how solid.  I have been looking for for solidness my entire life. A decently ha e been finding it again and again.

Be timely,  make money. Learn about social networks. More importantly,  think about them. Align oneself, dream about the zeitgeist, holding it, kicking it.

time to fucking focus already.

True, I've striven to be misunderstood. Every day is Halloween, at least when i'm paying attention.
Because it's far worse to be partially understood. Again, between a rock and a hard place.

Neuroscience is the future. As is the internet, elimination of grains from the diet, and green technology/greater concern for the environment I need to align myself with the future, because that's where I find meaning, in the pushing out of the human race, farther.. Literature has not been enough for a long time. This was a planned obsolescence anyway. I fully intend to write about it all, either during or after my *studies*. I just need to have something to say, again.

Computational Neuroscience. I've never been a math person because I've always a bit careless. Facing this I experience much dread but also much excitement(which is why I'm doing it). But if there's anything I've ever been interested in, it's Theories of Everything. I'm convinced that what I think and feel is in fact reliably modelable, greater awareness of this will bring greater efficacy+technological applications.

Watching David Foster Wallace interviews I feel the same thing I felt at times when talking to A.L. -- this person operates at a level that I don't even know about. I want to get at that level.

And it has always been about my wants. My selfishness is automatic (autonomic; derivation: auto+nomic: law given by the automatic. here, tyrannically). It comes from a reactionary place -- selfishness is not any more or less HARD-wired then selflessness. It's a defense like any other: compulsive intellectualism, substances in small and large quantities, spending time alone, anger, affective blunting, small goals, ambition, big pictures, card playing, being focused like a laser beam. I've taken all I can, encrapulated myself, drove that car (care) as far as I could, abandoned it out West - a newer, kinder day beyond the horizon; I wait impatiently, on the verge of tears with doubt.

i swing wildly but it's generally within bounds: springtime makes me want to be a writer again.