time to fucking focus already.

True, I've striven to be misunderstood. Every day is Halloween, at least when i'm paying attention.
Because it's far worse to be partially understood. Again, between a rock and a hard place.

Neuroscience is the future. As is the internet, elimination of grains from the diet, and green technology/greater concern for the environment I need to align myself with the future, because that's where I find meaning, in the pushing out of the human race, farther.. Literature has not been enough for a long time. This was a planned obsolescence anyway. I fully intend to write about it all, either during or after my *studies*. I just need to have something to say, again.

Computational Neuroscience. I've never been a math person because I've always a bit careless. Facing this I experience much dread but also much excitement(which is why I'm doing it). But if there's anything I've ever been interested in, it's Theories of Everything. I'm convinced that what I think and feel is in fact reliably modelable, greater awareness of this will bring greater efficacy+technological applications.

Watching David Foster Wallace interviews I feel the same thing I felt at times when talking to A.L. -- this person operates at a level that I don't even know about. I want to get at that level.

And it has always been about my wants. My selfishness is automatic (autonomic; derivation: auto+nomic: law given by the automatic. here, tyrannically). It comes from a reactionary place -- selfishness is not any more or less HARD-wired then selflessness. It's a defense like any other: compulsive intellectualism, substances in small and large quantities, spending time alone, anger, affective blunting, small goals, ambition, big pictures, card playing, being focused like a laser beam. I've taken all I can, encrapulated myself, drove that car (care) as far as I could, abandoned it out West - a newer, kinder day beyond the horizon; I wait impatiently, on the verge of tears with doubt.

i swing wildly but it's generally within bounds: springtime makes me want to be a writer again.

1. contradictions emerge and then are resolved as more is learned
2. (seemingly) unrelated phenomena emerge and are easily ignored because no connecting threads are apparant. William James: "If the two universes were offered, he would always choose the skinny outline rather than the rich thicket of reality" -- yes!
3. there are many level of reality. one must use ones powers of abstraction -- for geometric shapes, colors, form, texture -- to understand what is micro and what is macro. these things are necessary to understand, at least to some degree, because they all act on the here and now. the old zen go-to: it is all one at the same time it's all myriad.
4. one must use ones powers of abstraction to understand: this is one reason why art is so important, and why art and science are intimately related, in a way that is unbelievably beautiful, in my opinion.
4. STATISTICS; LEARNING WHERE TO LOOK, and how they are related: look at the spot above a person's, any person's eyebrows, and behold the richness of their emotional and intellectual lives. it shocks me, and my first impulse is to deny it. where i am indeed on the the far end of the bell curve in some things, i might even be on the other end in other things -- emotions as a thicket rather than a skinny outline (the one i feel cramped and crushed in).

fucking springtime, what it does to me

- ive been suffering from want of a creative outlet. i have known this for weeks, months, since it got too cold to take out the camera. one knows but does not act. there is a term for this. it is a moral imperative to make yourself feel better.


- I think it would be more worth my while to get a masters as opposed to a phd. that diminishing returns law applies here. now, is there any place in the world that would pay me for it? i am entitled.

because dangers were ubiquitousl one was always preparing for the worst case. this is not adaptive: most cases are average. so one seeks out worst cases: once joins the army. one chooses poverty. one sets oneself up to fail, sabatages all relationships. other people obeserve and thinks this person is crazy. one is left with nothing.

i believe it's time to get back to this. personal hygiene and all.



- blonde on the train with diamond rings on both hands.

- i see this, higher studies in a science, as part of my broader, long term education. to understand small pictures. too gain facility with details, critical thinking not about written words but about wild reality as it can be directly observed (zen man says: a finger pointing to the moon is not the moon. that is the moon). afterward ill retire to a monastery or roadside somewhere and write more books. i'm going to drift the rest of my life, and this is as i want it.